


Failure

by rushifaas



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, sorta shippy if u squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:14:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26640490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rushifaas/pseuds/rushifaas
Summary: his brain overloaded & he just wanted to escape to the field of yellow & joyful laughter.
Relationships: Julius Kingsley/Kururugi Suzaku
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> written bc depression needed a small outlet. here you go.

he  _ always knew _ deep down inside.

he knew that he wasn't as grandiose as he likes to make himself to be, knew he wasn't important to anyone ever. he knew that just like everyone else he was just another actor on the stage.

"the  **sunflowers** are pretty." 

spoken to no one in his empty room, julius remains laying on his bed as his headache lingers. a sharp pain hits hard between his eyes, a shuddering exhale a result. cheeks flushed as the stinging sharpness of tears blur his vision. there was no one to turn to during his moments of weakness where he doubts. and when he doubts, it makes him attempt to recall anything from his past.

pieces were floating around in his fractured mind, gloved hand covering shameful eyes. he removed the eyepatch without second thought or seemed to notice the blazing emblem surrounding the pupil. 

all he noticed were the sunflowers that ushered his soul into a sense of peace. the pretty bright sunflowers that the sun seemed to kiss, those sunflowers that seemed to make him question everything.

julius can't help it. 

behind closed doors he lets his tears shed, fighting a fever that felt like would consume him entirely. it wasn't like he could trust his appointed knight to soothe him. all he'd gain was a glare mixed with hatred and venom. 

sometimes julius relished it. basked in it. but right now? he simply decides to cower from it.

questions of: 

_ who am i? _

_ do i belong here? _

_ why can't i remember anything? _

they filled his mind, and for a master tactician he was grasping for any sense of purpose. 

but he knew even as he curled up into the silken sheets of his bed. he knew there was no purpose to him nor the role he was thrust into. he was no idiot in issues concerning himself. hell, he knew something was wrong when his fingers brushed against the barrier against his left eye.

suzaku knew something, kept it from him and he wonders if this was his punishment. julius knew something he shouldn't have but chose to play the game as if he  **meant something** . 

"will i die like the sunflowers, suzaku." 

he knows there will never be an answer, never be anything from the knight of seven. but julius takes what he can to twist it and to make it his as long as he can.

so he remains in his bundle of blankets, breathing slowly. he cannot rationalize any of this unless he continued to lie to himself. sometimes he wished he could demand the truth from suzaku, to have leverage against him to speak.

but julius knew, like himself, he had nothing to help him. absolutely no memories to call his own.

"suzaku… the sunflowers."

trembling fingers grasp the pill bottle next to him, wondering if he could simply end the screaming demons in his brain.

_ let me join the sunflowers... _

julius kingsley was found by suzaku around noon the next day, cold and possibly lifeless...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and suzaku finds what he's always wanted -- or at least he tells himself that.

when he finds the body of the bundled up tactician, he thinks he's being made a fool. anger instantly was his reaction as he grasps at the blankets, yanking them with an irritated  _ 'it's time to get up' _ followed by absolutely no reaction. he has no time to play games and it would be foolish to make suzaku go through this.

"your highness." tone clipped as he grabs thin shoulders, shaking roughly as to awaken the slumbering prince. once more he gains no response and he forces down a snide remark as his hand removes itself. julius just burned to touch because all suzaku could see was lelouch.

the sound of a pill bottle brings to his attention, and his gloved hands eagerly unravel the remains of the soft blankets to see -- to see the bottle of medication to ease the 'headaches', emptied before their so called refill. his stomach plummets as his mind puts two together and he just.

he looks back to julius' - no, lelouch's face and sees how pale he was, and suzaku takes off a glove to feel for a pulse. a pulse anywhere, just please, anywhere could be fine.

his coldness is washed away from the overwhelming feeling of fear as his breathing had become noticeably shaky. heart pounded painfully against his ribcage, his voice pleading and small as he grabs those thin shoulders to shake him ever so gently.

" _ lelouch _ ." his voice was starting to crack, disbelief hitting his brain because there was no way he'd give up just like that. he was here for that very reason to ensure the identity wouldn't be broken from lelouch's influence. but suzaku can feel the cold, clammy skin against his trembling fingers that his eyes stung.

images of sunflowers flash in his mind, pure and bright as he and lelouch would take nunnally to different places.

suzaku buries his face into lelouch's still chest (  _ because he hoped to feel his heart beat, to believe he was crazy as the anguish was more than he could take _ ) and he feels hot tears soak into the pajama's his ward wore. there was no way he could report this to charles because a sick part of him will rejoice in this sudden discovery. 

and suzaku knows there is a petty side of him that will be so ultimately relieved lelouch is gone, dead during such a horrible time. no one else will die from his methods, no one else will suffer.

but he also knows because right now, there is the side of him that completely grieves and is crying. sobbing because he lost someone else that was important to him, someone else he had also truly loved. 

and he knows even when julius had always talked about the sunflowers, suzaku couldn't grant him that final request. while his brain and heart battled against another, suzaku couldn't move as he simply chose to curl up around the dead body of a lifelong love that he couldn't grasp or change.

there was nothing suzaku could do as he chose to quietly sob, because he knew the young boy in his heart will never face happiness or tragedy nor will he ever get the peace of death. 

because all he hears were the same words, begging and pleading and he just couldn't serve it.

_ 'let me sleep with lulu, please! lulu, please wait for me…!' _


End file.
